I’ll never forget my first “real” networking event. I was a fresh-faced intern, clutching a lukewarm club soda and trying my best to look like I belonged. I saw a circle of important-looking people chatting and, taking a deep breath, I walked over.
And then… I just stood there. On the edge of the circle. Panicking.
How do I break in? Do I just start talking? Do I introduce myself? To whom? What do I do with my hands?! I ended up awkwardly orbiting the group for a solid minute before bailing to the safety of the cheese platter. It was mortifying. For years, I thought navigating the professional world was some secret code I just wasn’t born with.
Then I found Rosanne Thomas’s book, Excuse Me: The Survival Guide to Modern Business Etiquette. I was skeptical, expecting a stuffy, old-fashioned rulebook. Instead, it felt like a conversation with a wise, funny mentor who just wanted to help me feel less awkward. It was the secret decoder ring I’d always needed.
Why Should You Even Bother Reading It?
Let’s be honest, the word “etiquette” can sound a little… stuffy. Like something involving doilies and multiple forks. But this book isn’t for your great-aunt Mildred.
This is for you if you’ve ever hesitated before hitting “send” on an email, wondering if it sounded too harsh. It’s for you if you’ve ever struggled to make small talk with a senior executive. It’s for you if you’re a new grad terrified of making a rookie mistake, or a seasoned pro trying to understand how to connect with your Gen Z colleagues.
The core message is a game-changer: Modern etiquette isn’t about rigid rules; it’s about making other people feel respected and comfortable. And in today’s business world, that’s not a soft skill—it’s a superpower.
The Unspoken Rules for Workplace Success
Rosanne Thomas breaks down professional grace into a few key areas that, once you master them, will make you feel like you have a secret playbook for any situation at work.
The Foundation: Etiquette is Just Empathy in Action
Before we get into the nitty-gritty, we have to start with the book’s core philosophy. It’s the “why” behind everything else.
Think of business etiquette as the traffic rules of the workplace. You could drive without stop signs, speed limits, or turn signals, but it would be a chaotic, stressful mess full of fender-benders and frustration. The rules exist not to restrict you, but to create a smooth, safe, and efficient system for everyone. They are a shared language of respect.
Thomas brilliantly reframes etiquette away from a list of “don’ts” and into a practice of empathy. It’s about anticipating how your actions will affect others. When you show up to a meeting on time, you’re not just being punctual; you’re non-verbally telling everyone else, “I value your time.” When you listen without interrupting, you’re saying, “I value your opinion.” This simple shift in mindset from “following rules” to “showing respect” is the foundation for everything.
📖 “Civility is not a sign of weakness.”
This quote really stuck with me. In a world that can sometimes feel like a race to be the loudest person in the room, Thomas reminds us that kindness, respect, and consideration are the true sources of professional strength. They build trust, foster collaboration, and make you the kind of person everyone wants to work with.
Simple Terms: Etiquette is the act of making other people feel comfortable and valued.
The Takeaway: Don’t just memorize the rules; understand that their purpose is to show respect for the people around you.
The Digital Handshake: Mastering Your Online Communication
Your first impression used to be a firm handshake and a warm smile. Today, it’s far more likely to be an email, a Slack message, or a LinkedIn request.
The book offers a fantastic analogy for this: Your entire digital presence is your professional wardrobe. You wouldn’t show up to a board meeting in ripped jeans and a t-shirt. In the same way, your online communication needs to be tailored to the occasion. A casual Slack chat with a coworker is your business-casual Friday, while an email to a client is your sharpest suit.
This means paying attention to the details. Use clear, concise subject lines in emails (e.g., “Question about Q3 Report” instead of “hey”). Avoid hitting “reply all” unless every single person truly needs the information. Understand that tone is incredibly hard to read online, so err on the side of clarity and courtesy. A “Please” or “Thank you” can be the difference between a request that sounds like a demand and one that sounds like a respectful collaboration. And for the love of all that is holy, don’t use all caps—no one likes being yelled at.
Simple Terms: Treat your online conversations with the same care and professionalism as you would a face-to-face interaction.
The Takeaway: Your digital footprint is a permanent and searchable part of your professional reputation, so manage it wisely.
The Art of the Introduction: Connecting People with Grace
Remember my networking nightmare? This chapter was a revelation. It turns out there’s a simple, elegant formula for introductions that eliminates all the awkwardness.
Think of yourself as a social switchboard operator. Your job is to connect two lines (people) as smoothly as possible, giving each one the context they need to spark a conversation. The core principle is hierarchy and respect. You always introduce the person of lesser importance to the person of greater importance.
So, how does that work in the real world? Let’s say you’re with your new colleague, Jane, and you run into the CEO, Mr. Smith. You don’t say, “Jane, this is Mr. Smith.” You put the focus on the person you want to honor.
You turn to the CEO and say, “Mr. Smith, I’d like to introduce you to Jane Doe.” Then, you give Jane the context she needs: “Jane is the newest analyst on our team and is already doing fantastic work on the Miller account.” Finally, you turn back to Jane and say, “Jane, this is Mr. Smith, our CEO.”
Boom. You’ve honored the CEO, praised your colleague, and given them both an instant conversation starter (“Oh, the Miller account! How’s that going?”). It’s a simple formula that makes you look polished and considerate every single time.
Simple Terms: When introducing two people, always say the more important person’s name first.
The Takeaway: A smooth introduction is a gift you give to others, making them feel comfortable and setting a positive tone for the entire relationship.
Bridging the Gap: Navigating the Multi-Generational Office
For the first time in history, we often have five distinct generations working side-by-side. That can lead to a lot of misunderstanding if we’re not careful.
The book presents the multi-generational office like a potluck dinner. Everyone brings a different “dish” to the table—a different communication style, a unique perspective on work-life balance, a different comfort level with technology. A Boomer might bring the “face-to-face meeting” casserole, while a Gen Z colleague brings the “instant feedback via Slack” tapas. The goal isn’t to force everyone to eat the same thing. It’s to appreciate the variety and figure out how all the dishes can create a more interesting and delicious meal.
This means being adaptable. Don’t get frustrated when your younger colleague sends a quick IM instead of a formal email; recognize that they value speed and efficiency. Conversely, understand that your older boss might prefer a phone call to hash out a complex idea because they value direct, nuanced conversation. It’s not about judging one style as “right” and the other as “wrong.” It’s about being flexible and meeting people where they are.
📖 “A protocol is a set of guidelines. Etiquette is an attitude.”
This is the key. You can know all the generational “protocols,” but without an attitude of respect and curiosity, it’s useless. The real etiquette is being willing to ask, “What’s the best way to communicate with you?”
Simple Terms: Don’t assume everyone at work thinks, acts, or communicates the way you do.
The Takeaway: Be curious, not judgmental, about generational differences to build stronger and more effective teams.
The Business Meal: It’s Never About the Food
You’re out to lunch with a major client. What’s the most important thing on the table? It’s not the steak, the salad, or the bread basket. It’s the relationship you’re building.
Thomas frames the business meal as a stage performance, and the food is just a prop. The real show is your conversation, your listening skills, and your ability to conduct business in a social setting. Your dining etiquette is, essentially, a non-verbal audition that tells others if you’re polished, considerate, and detail-oriented.
The book is full of practical tips that remove all the guesswork. The host should always suggest a few restaurants and let the guest choose. Never order the most expensive item on the menu, and for goodness sake, don’t order anything messy like spaghetti, ribs, or a giant burger. You want to be able to eat gracefully while maintaining eye contact and conversation. The rule of thumb is simple: put your napkin in your lap as soon as you sit down, wait for your host to start eating first, and keep your elbows off the table. The host always pays. Always.
Simple Terms: At a business meal, your manners are much more important than the menu.
The Takeaway: Use the dining experience to build rapport and show that you are a poised, thoughtful professional who can be trusted in any setting.
My Final Thoughts
Reading Excuse Me felt like turning on a light in a dark room. All these fuzzy, unwritten social rules suddenly snapped into focus. This book didn’t make me feel stiff or formal; it made me feel confident. It gave me a practical toolkit to handle almost any professional situation with grace and without the anxiety of wondering, “Am I doing this right?”
It’s a powerful reminder that in a world obsessed with data, technology, and disruption, the most valuable currency is still human connection. And good etiquette is simply the art of protecting and strengthening that connection.
Join the Conversation!
What’s the most cringeworthy or awkward business etiquette mistake you’ve ever seen (or maybe even made yourself)? Share your story in the comments below—let’s learn from each other!
Frequently Asked Questions (The stuff you’re probably wondering)
Is this book just for people in stuffy corporate jobs?
Not at all! The principles apply to anyone in a professional setting. Whether you work at a tech startup, a non-profit, a hospital, or are a freelancer meeting clients, these skills for building respect and rapport are universal.
Is the advice outdated? It’s a book on “etiquette,” after all.
Absolutely not. A huge portion of the book is dedicated to modern challenges, including email, social media, video conferencing (Zoom etiquette is a must!), and navigating an open-plan office. It’s incredibly relevant.
Is it a long or difficult read?
It’s the opposite. The book is written in a very clear, accessible style and is broken up into easy-to-digest sections. You can read it cover-to-cover or use it as a reference guide to look up specific situations.
I’m a recent graduate just starting my career. Is this for me?
You are the perfect audience! This book is the crash course on all the professional norms and unwritten rules that they don’t teach you in college. It will give you a huge confidence boost right out of the gate.
What was the single biggest thing you took away from the book?
That good etiquette isn’t about being perfect or robotic. It’s about being thoughtful. It’s about making a conscious choice to put others at ease, which in turn makes you a more effective and well-respected professional.
